It's Okay to Not be Okay
Oh the swirl of emotions...
To be completely clear, it’s maybe been the most difficult past couple months and pushing through them has felt like I’ve emotionally, mentally, and physically been hiking up and down the Sierras.
Smiling, being positive, and trusting isn’t always my response. And it’s unfortunate because I love to be the one who can say, “It’s okay. Don’t worry, God’s got you.” But the past week, I’ve been finding myself feeling broken, slow, and behind. And I absolutely hate it because I know that those are ALL LIES. Feeling all of these vulnerable emotions make me feel uncomfortable because they probe at all the past hurts and insecurities that I’ve fought through, so it’s makes me begin to question my strength.
However, I think something that God has been reminding me in the midst of all these loud thoughts is that it’s okay to feel all these things. It is okay to feel hurt, it is okay to feel broken, and it is okay to feel weak. It’s okay because He fills all those gaps. He is the one who supplies the peace when my heart is hurting. He is the one to pick up the pieces and make me whole again. And He is the one who not only renews my strength, but let’s me rely on His strength rather than my own. Cause I mean let’s be real, my strength reaches the E mark fairly quickly.
It truly has been and still is a messy process being in this state. However, I can say that there is beauty like no other when your heart is in this position. Because it’s raw, it’s honest, and its vulnerable. I’m finding myself turning to Him and laying my heart down before Him, saying, “Here you go. Do whatever you need to do. Cause I don’t know how or what to fix.” And it honestly took me awhile to be okay coming to God like this because I hated not knowing how to fix my issue or sometimes even being unable to identify what exactly it was that I was feeling. But after some time I realized, what better way to approach the Father?
I think back to the message of the potter and the clay in Jeremiah 18, and I realize that coming to the Lord with a tender and vulnerable heart allows Him to mold mine into one that beats for Him. A heart that can love, a heart that can trust, and a heart that can rejoice. One that can remain calm through the storm and steadfast through the long journeys. A heart that can be fierce and bold, yet gentle and humble all at the same time. This approach allows God to mold my heart in such a way that my life can be a vessel unto Him. A vessel where my story can flow in all of its truth and reflect God in all of His.
My continuous prayer is that my life story can be a reflection of His story. And I’ve realized a key part for this to be a genuine reality is not only accepting the moments where you don’t feel okay, but embracing those moments. So my prayer for you is that you also can know this truth and rest in the fact that it is completely okay to not be okay. In fact, I dare to say that being broken and vulnerable before God is His most desired posture for us to be in. Allow the waves to crash over you, and let’s just see where His tide will bring you. I can guarantee you it will be better than where you were. Because that’s just how He works and who He is.